Wearing hearts on Sleeves.

new beginnings

2012-01-06T06:08:00.000-08:00

Its the 6th of January alr and its a bit late to start reflection and my new year resolutions but... bah! I'll just do them anyway:)

* * * * *

So 2011 have been on the surface a good and awesome year for me. But actually I think I was a mental wreck. Throughout the whole year, I couldn't figure out my place in the different areas of my life from cca to studies to friends. Never good enough? And have never been convinced that these areas are of that much importance to me to prioritise them and put in my 100%. I was a joke in lessons and never took them seriously. I skipped CCA whenever I could and gave a million reasons that even I myself knew wasn't convincing. If I was the Capt or V.Capt, I would have shove someone's floorball stick up my own ass for giving such a loserish excuse. So you could say that I deserve not getting into the team. And that is why no tears were shed when I didn't either. *grins* Till now, the only regret I have for my cca was that I never believed myself enough to be good enough thus being weak. No, not physically weak but mentally weak.

In fact, throughout the whole of 2011, I practically had no more mental strength.

Studies was worse. I couldn't give a shit about it. Even when my grades were okay, I dropped my 4H2s. I refuse to do homework that wouldn't be checked, skipped lectures and can't stay awake during tutorials. I know I was being slack and lazy and all the sloth-y attitudes and words you can think of but I honestly felt no guilt at all. Life was really school then home to do whatever shit that I felt like but study. I don't remember what it is like to do homeworks. Homework is schoolwork or really just copy work. My close friends told me that I was crazy and I needed to do my work but I couldn't. Believe me, I did try to but I always gave up halfway. I don't know why.

Of course I knew that the problem lies with me but I don't know what was it that caused the change. Its not like I experienced some earth-shattering experience that would waver and change my whole life. And nobody believed me when I said I don't study for exams but everyone knew they could count on me to have a partner in crime for being lazy students. I know right, I was horrible. If I were my CT, I would have slapped myself or something and cursed, must have done some horrible crime to deserve such a horrible student.

The best part was I absolutely felt no guilt at all. Until now. what the freak. I'm like 101% sure that my A level results would drive me crazy and suicidal but somehow, I really am not worried or regretful about how I spent my 2011. I think I need to see a psychologist or something._.

* * * * *

2012, a new year with new beginnings.

It would be useless to cry over spilt milk and pointless because I wouldn't either. I honestly deserved it. So I guess what's left to do is pick myself up and find who I really am.

2011 taught me alot of stuffs from the mess I was. True friends and people in general, it showed me how cruel and beautiful the world could be. And it showed me who I needed to become, in a way.

I need to find a new me, not the one who was the silly girl who often gets bullied in pri school, nor the partial rebellious kid in sec school or the mugger who fought hard for good results in study break for O levels. Neither was it the 2010 me who did everything that I never thought I would or the crazy mess in 2011. I'm sure among the me all these 18 years of my life, some have stayed and some have changed due to the people and environment around me.

And I strongly believe that 'Everything happens for a reason', much due to God's will. Perhaps that is why I'm not afraid too:)

I know I made mistakes in my life. Some small some big. I lost important friends, should have held them closer and trust me, I do miss what we shared and never lived a day without thinking of being close again but I never found the courage to. Now that I think about it, I'm still young and have a long way ahead. I've nothing to lose, isn't it?

So from this day on, I shall live to be someone that I will be proud of and someone that I feel comfortable in. Being me. And I'll try to place the right back in many places in my life. I know things would be different but knowing that I tried and did my best would be enough:)

This is a really long post.. So now for my New Year Resolutions. There's gonna be quite alot I think. Need to sit and think upon this one. Since now I've been given nearly 7 months of break, I should really make full use of it!!

but the general idea of my resolution is:

Become someone that make people be proud of knowing, no matter who they are!

I feel much better now!^^v

Time to be more responsible for my own life and find my own way and place in this world!

To anyone, if there still is, who reads this space, have a good year ahead! I hope it will be a good one for you!:)

P.S

I shall also blog more so as to keep track of my life! unless I find a better place, heh.

love is bad.

2011-12-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

so hooked on that song. its like perfection.

going shopping tomorrow but i got a feeling it may end up with world war 3. Prom's on thursday and honestly not feeling excited or anything, in fact dreading it. Just gonna grab a simple dress from my cupboard and some heels and I need a clutch, yes, need to get it tomorrow. make a mental note for it.

okay superrr excited for my korea trip though;) good food and cold weather! and pretty scenery! Come to think of it, 1 year ago at this time I was freezing in India barely holding on. Scrambling up the steep hills in total darkness, setting up tents and eating in harsh cold windy terrains, but it was all worth it. Wouldn't trade anything for those memories. And the letter, need my letter really.. to remind myself of what I've been through.

I'm getting bored of the holidays already, idk what to do. Should I retake SAT? but i feel so lazy. and the driving center is so freaking far away, how am i going to register and get my lazy ass off the couch:( ah seriously shermaine! you're such a failure in life.. sigh

love is a sickness. Can i get a witness?

issues.

2011-12-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

Are you fucking kidding me?

You think you could take people as fools, walk all over them and then walk out on them when you no longer need them? treating people as objects, things. thats so superficial. And even expecting everyone to buy all the stories you tell, can't you even tell that every single lie you spit out is lacking substance. why do you even try?

I'm not being mean here but really, I would gladly put a bullet right through so many people's head each time they make a fool out of me but no, law forbids. resisting the urge to grab the hardest object near me and whack it on people who annoy me. yes I think I have issues too.

I think I need an endorphin and something dope.

Someone should invent something that could let you forget all your problems and worries and burdens as and when you want to... no wait, I think God have already given us something like that - sleep.

Escapism.

But I still need to find something else to do.. something that would get me hooked and beneficial.

You just haven't met me yet.

delusional.

2011-11-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Let's live our lives every single day like we're in love:)

Okay I'm partially back to blogging.. Kidding, I'm just blogging because I can't sleep even though its 2am. Need to sleep soon though as I'm gonna go out tmr! And A levels are finally over!!!!! *confetti* but honestly, I'm at a loss of what to do now. Not that I want to study but, I feel like there's too many things to do and I don't know where should I start off with first, ah. Right. Alot of activities and things to catch up on, hopefully I'll spend this holiday well!:)

Shall make a list of things I would want to accomplish this holiday and see how many I manage to meet!! It's like a challenge, and my new year resolution for once won't have something that goes 'Get good grades' ;) just maybe something like get into either SMU or NUS? hahaha, bleh. shall dump studies and results aside now and just focus on getting my life back:) kekeke.

this is weird but i've got this really empty feeling right now. maybe cause I dont know what to do with my life.. idk this is bad. Had a traumatising experience today also, k I exaggerated alot but still!!! okay shall get out of my house and head for retail therapy! shall buy pretty clothes and stuff for Korea trip, prom, cuz wedding and just everyday stuff! i think i have a very disorientated train of thoughts.. crap:/

It's scary, when you've fallen so deep into something thats impossible. And knowing it but yet unable to control yourself. I feel like I'm walking down a suicidal path still keeping hopes up even though I know very well what lies at the end of this road.

and this kind of love isn't rational.

bleak.

2011-11-25T09:53:00.000-08:00

Been living life as though A's is over but its gonna end real soooooon!:)

Finally got back my life even though I haven't been studying hard, funny how no one buys that. Never felt more screwed in life, like as though I'm just gonna take yet another exam, really Shermaine? Okay, anyway I knew I would end up here, I chose this so now I need to take responsibility for it and have back up plans:)

when life gives you lemons, squeeze them back!

Don't believe that I'll be screwed just because I screwed A levels up, no way.

Am still waiting for my self-written letter we wrote back in India last year, 1 year seem to have flown by. Vaguely remember that I wrote it with the aim of motivating myself for A level, think I'll have a good laugh when I receive it in Dec, irony irony. but still, can't wait for Dec and KOREA!^^v Planning a to-do-list and striking them off one by one, enthusiasm that was never found in studies;)

Lost track of date, lost track of time. Getting hopes up and then watching it crumble, I think I must be one of the most petty person on Earth. And how an unknown number with a mistakenly sent SMS reminded me. Were you perhaps behind it? Life is really a bitch, maybe one day I'll be able to not shun from you when I see you. Or maybe you won't shun from me either. Me and my guilty conscience, it was all my fault wasn't it? Should never have thought it could be more, should never have judge and should never have let go. I think I found the reason why I could never face you again, because I have fallen short of your expectations. I don't want you to see who I am now but be that some girl that you used to know. So until one day when I'm finally back to who I used to be, may we not meet. After all, we haven't after all this time. Be happy.

Need to stop watching dramas, it's crazy to finish Queen Seon Deok and My Princess within 2 days while that huge pile of MCQs is roaring for my attention. Focus focus focus. Need to get high marks for mcq to pull my shitty ass grades up. My last final hope, don't break.

You are the apple of my eye.

We all deserve to,

2011-07-31T02:54:00.000-07:00

Things couldn't be better could it?

Clock's ticking and time is running out, its a race against time and a race I'm no where near that I could win, but I have to.

It's time, isn't it?

The final lap of the race, just remember all the tough times that have passed, along with the good times. And the fear we always had deep down whenever time runs out, i can't let myself fall again. It'll be too late to pick up by then.

I guess, it's time to start planning, on what I really want out of this all..

I know it's gonna be worth the fight, I know that if i really work hard, I could win right?

Happiness, can be really simple:)

Give me a chance to hold on,

So jet lagged,

2011-07-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Exams ended yesterday and off I went hitting the street for food and just to chill, days like these really make the world seem so beautiful:)

I think I'm leading a really sad life, no kidding. Sometimes I'll just look up into the sky to stone and suddenly I'll have thoughts like 'yeah, its good to be alive' like as though i'm contemplating suicide.

I'm really enjoying life now, I've planned out like my plans for next week and all. K sessions, BBQ, shopping, sinfully awesome. Shopping today was great, bought stuffs I never thought I would and feeling super fruitful now!

Have I said how horrible midterms were? omg it was freaking bad, throughout every paper I was like 'its okay Shermaine, it ain't A levels, you can always learn from mistakes' (proceeds to next question)

fuck right, and to think the easiest question for the maths paper was vectors. No kidding, I freaking hate vectors okay. suck at imagining 3D, like who's good at it when you have to wear 3D glasses to watch movies in 3D. Seriously.

I'm dam sure I'll do super badly and my ct will scold me for my laidback attitude, AGAIN. He scribbled one whole page of comments on my essay right before midterms. I think everyone has given up hope on me to do well.. isn't that sad?

My mom just asked me 'Are you keeping alot of things to yourself?'

And I was like totally stun, what a question, so I said 'Yeah, I'm actually a guy'

Now my mom thinks I'm emo.

Perfect, just perfect

feels like a solo tonight,

2011-06-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Had my first paper for midyears today. And it was like shiat.

I FEEL SO PREPARED!!

For midyears to end and go on a shopping spree and have fun:)

Somehow this time exams feel so slack, I haven't been studying much, if you consider studying while watching tv studying at all ._.

Sigh, I need to really study hard now because econs and maths is on the same day next week, FML!

On a lighter note, my exams end next thurs!! Yes everyone else can drool your jealousy all over the keyboard now:))

SO LONG EVERYONE!!!

Awesome Bananaaaas

2011-05-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

Argh, I wanted to upload some jumpshots from India but blogger's hanging up on me:'( Depressed. Photos taken in India always bring back so much memories and a tinge of sadness....

But anyway the past 2 days were awesomeness overloaded for me!! I've got a new phone and a new laptop! Shioooook ttm!:D

Although it might really be a bit of a wrong timing since jcts is coming up, and I am really hooked onto the gadgets now but, I sure didn't regret getting them:) Yay! I have a good feeling that this holiday will be a really awesome one! Excluding all the mugging that I need to do though..

Oh! I got back my results too and as expected, I screwed it up, oh wells:/ Its my first time taking the test anyway, maybe I'll take it another time later:) hehe

I'm seriously lacking of sleep too, and my eyebags are worsening, ohgosh:/ I really need to get a good rest and play hard and STUDY HARD this holidays! Shall have a timetable for my studies out by tmr! And hopefully stick to it and not get distracted by anything!!

Okay I'm off to meddle with my phone again!

tears don't lie

2011-05-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

i wonder when will the results will be out, feeling nervous because i really hope to do well.

well, who don't? especially those raffles students cramming in their notes even at the exam venue, and those crazy muggers who worked so hard. compared to me, who didn't even study.

who didn't even know there was an essay in the paper, joke. seriously

anyway, on a lighter note, having eye candy(s) are awesome sugar rush each day!! but i feel embarrassed to say who is my eye candy, hehe :P its a fatal obsession, and an unrealistic one too but still, it makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone, so why not?

these days, i've been having weird dreams, like of random people(Y) of course they are awesome ones just that it feels weird and.. its sad, knowing that it will never come true in real life:/ if all the dreams i have come true, then maybe, i'll be some lucky girl on earth (excluding those bad ones of course) i think if i tell someone my dreams, i'll seem like someone who has a psychological illness, an obsession. oh no this word seems to have appear too many times in this post..

it takes two to dance

please stay, don't leave

2011-05-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

it's an obsession they say,

i like watching those sweet little moments between various individuals:) it makes the world seem better. well, not exactly sweet, but just those little moments and interactions between people, which signifies their friendship/relationship, its really nice:)

it gives a second chance to everyone, one less reason to hate, to judge, to discriminate.

won't the world be a better place if everyone hesitate to judge? and they are able to view the whole picture. i believe that everyone does have a good side don't they? no matter how bad they may be, maybe there's a reason they hide it...

what i'll do to have you here,

Why?

2011-05-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

'because..

it's my destiny'

as expected from someone like you

nostalgic

2011-05-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Ohmygod i'm so freaking tired that i feel like i can just flop onto the bed and pass out. Can't believe i was able to sit and not get distracted for that almost 4hour long paper this morning... surprise surprise! hope i'll do ~~okay~~ well, i need to.

why am i tired? its not like i have a grueling training schedule.. well, i do have a huge ass pile of work to do, which i kept procrastinating so i can't blame anyone for it, but i still can't get my even bigger ass to move and do it, ugh ._.

someone keeps reminding me there's only 5 months left to holymoly a levels, yes dude F I V E. so each subject has approximately 1 month for me to study, ideal huh? but it doesn't work that way, i foresee myself spending late nights jamming up phonelines, causing a crash in the portal and praying to all gods that i know of to nope, not do well but pray that i fall sick so i have more time to study, sigh

i think my friends hate me:'(

they keep saying that i'm lazy. its not like i'm being annoying or anything whaaaat, okay fine, i do feel guilty but i really can't get myself to move.

i'm just like that, somehow i just can't change, if i'm a mugger then there's something wrong so i'm sorry i'm not the first person you want to work with in a group, that i annoy you when i copy your homework and be distracted all day in lectures/tutorial.

maybe i have OCD... i should go get checked

sighhh. my life sounds horrible uh?

i think there's something wrong with me.. sometimes i feel like i may just die any minute, like my heart may just stop. oh god, whats wrong with me?

then again, shouldn't i not fear death so much anymore?

since i've a close shave with it before.. so close that it scares me now to think of it.

on another note, elections results are taking so long:/

i wanna sleep but i wanna hear news from aljunied grc!

oh wells.

everything you're not

2011-05-03T04:56:00.001-07:00

So annoyed by people & things recently.

Sometimes really I feel like just going "stop bitch, I really don't care_|_" Hate it when people act almighty thinking they're so awesome & amazing in everything such that everyone must listen to them. oh bitch pleaseee!

YOU annoy me to no end, period.

I think I sound like a bitch myself, I know. But I really couldn't care less. My life now is so messed up. need to settle so much stuffs and steer it back on track. Starting from next weekend I shall do just that.. Since I got an exam coming up on Sat *fingers cross*

May God bless me and that I'll do well, seriouslyyy..

My top most priority now, suprisingly, is SLEEP.

peace

Read between the lines

2011-04-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Don't pick the wrong bitch to mess with

I'm no longer that foolish girl who easily gets pushed around and trampled over. I've learnt things the hard way. If you're gonna start the war, I'm all in.

Don't forget all the mean things that you've ever done and the blame you like to push around, because what goes around comes around.

If you wanna play this game, let's play

After all, you've got way more to lose than me:)

peace

I hate this love song,

2011-04-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Pdub results was released today, fml. I got a B.

Yes I know, even my best friend said I deserved it because I've been such a bitch in Pdub and a slacker that if I got a B, I should go worship the gods and thank them for protection and blessings. But still... A bit, disappointed, even though I knew I wouldn't get an A

Other than that, today was really great:)

I finally went for my sinseh visit after like weeeeeeks and he cracked my ankle like thrice ._.

ouch.

And followed Lew to cut hair at some atas shop with surprising good deals!

Frolicked today! (Y)

And took tons of photos, happy kid!:)

MCT results is seriously suicidal, even though I didnt studied.

And I've officially dropped chem! to h1, alot of people have been telling me not to and persuading me but I'm really sorry.

I can't do this no more ._.

So from now on, I'll become a mugger.

Call me MUGGER LOO:)

I shall start by doing my homework, its a huge step for me given that I don't usually do them.

and for JCT, Imma get straight B's at least!! Maybe not for GP, but yes its good to be ambitious at times you know.

Yes, Now that I've got a goal, I shall work towards it!!

Life just became much more meaningful, and plus, I'm having exams next month too, should really brush up my language and maths:)

HWAITING! ^^.

truth be told

2011-03-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to regret how I'm screwing up my life bit by bit, especially when I'm turning 18 this year.

Freak. I need to wake.up! Need to stop skipping schools/lectures/tutols.. and trainings x( okay I never dare to admit I skip them, if some sees this I am so.freaking.dead.period

Now I couldn't care less, see? This is so freaking bad.

I feel like as though A levels is over. At this rate, when A levels end, I'll probably be heading down to the airport and flying out of Singapore.

UGH! Everyone needs to stop the FRI-DAY FRI-DAY.. It's annoying me out, seriously? Dude, who doesn't know before fri is thurs and after that is sat then sunday?! Ohmygawd seriously ._.

Okay, I'm going to be late, I need to be at serangoon in an hour.. & sleepover with Vees!

I need icecream therapy;)

p/s I miss India:( Somehow, everynight, I'll think of India.

Escapism.

This is getting bad, real bad.

Take me on a coaster ride,

2011-03-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't be here at this point of time, but I can't focus.

Time check, 2 days more to mct, awesome.

And I'm barely done with revision

To be precise, I was supposed to be studying econs.. But my hands somehow drifted here and my notes are, wait, they are... somewhere on my bed=x

I'm going to regret this, I know. Goodbye 4h2s! I'm like so prepared that I even decided what to drop & start admiring how much lesser is there to study, I finally found some hope in A's. Just hope everyone is studying as hard as I AM, and I'll probably wont do that badly afterall.

Today, I learnt that I should not be so selfish and neither should I harbour hopes towards anyone for anything. It just seems to be too much to expect of someone. Maybe I should stick to living in solace, building up walls around me occasionally letting someone get so close to tearing them down but no. Because up the walls go again.

Friends & Family, all the same, the same old game and now that I've learnt the rules, I've no fears of losing anymore.

2011-03-01T04:28:00.001-08:00

Life sucks, its even worse when those closest to you are the ones who hurt you.

What, You were saying?

Oh I almost forgot, you asked not because you cared, you merely asked because you are obliged to. Seriously? Why not just not talk to me & leave me alone? Its better than me giving you a redundant answer and you answering with 'Okay'. I've had enough.

No, its not that I asked something in return and you can't blame me saying I'm unreasonable because you are the one. It's so plain obviously simple. Jealousy? I guess not, its more of like feeling neglected by? I should have gotten used to it a long time ago, I knew it right from the start. I don't really care about your play of favourtism anymore. I've had enough.

Fuck your excuses and Fuck you for now understanding me. Stop blaming me for going home late and stop blaming me when you spring fuckedup surprises on me. You call this a proper home? I don't think so. If this is what a family and home should be, then by all means leave me out, I couldn't care less.

Because, it's not recently that I had these feelings, its been years now.

And honestly, stop acting like you care. Its only a mere obligingness. So enough.

Just leave me alone, period.

I can't take it anymore,

2011-02-26T07:19:00.000-08:00

How big is your heart?

At any one point in time, how many people could you have in your heart?

It's a horrible feeling.

Like your heart is so big and so many people could occupy it at the same time,

and yet sometimes, its so small that even the most important people to you annoys you.

I hate feeling like this, all.the.freaking.time.

I'm so tired of it, its like I have so many things to look after and then I'll become annoying and annoyed

I've got so much to say but I can't really put them into words right now, I feel so scared, so very very scared.

I'm so scared to trust, so scared to place my heart.

I really don't want to, trust and fall apart because of my own illusions.

I hate not being able to trust my own gut feeling, it feels really :/

I don't dare to admit it, even though deep down I know it's true.

I'm sorry but I really don't dare to do anything, I can't

Because when it comes to affairs of the heart, I am never so strong and sure anymore

It may all just be wishful thinking...

After having htht with some floorballers today, I realise how harsh reality could get. Lovers cannot last, or are hard to and it feels sad. When you see your friends breaking up, although it might not be that bad but...

Fear of responsibility? Is it true that it won't last?

Because we are young, they always say. I wonder if s&r could prove me wrong, really hope they do:)

Love, is a funny thing.

No longer as strong, no longer as sure, no longer as firm

Goodbye,

Sigh

2011-02-18T07:35:00.001-08:00

It's been so long that I last blogged and this time, i'm blogging because I finally have the time to. And the reason I finally have the time to, is because I'm sick-.- ikr, fml srsly

My throat feels like its suffering after effects of worldwar3, rough dry & sighhh:/ Trying to complete J's present but the drowsy effect of my medicine is sending me to bed..

Life's been really busy and hectic, I'm so lazy to even switch on the computer to facebook or download music now, this is really bad.

Vday this year isn't awesome either, since I didn't make anything for anyone. Feels horrible inside, plus its the last year of my jc life!! How can I not prepare anything for anyone:( Blame it on my poor time management and finances.. sigh:/

I need a break, I need a getaway. I don't want A's:(

I need to work harder, I can do better than this.. I can!!

P.S

Sorry for such a meaningless post:/

& I could only watch as you fall,

2011-01-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

Hope, & Pray.

Trust, a simple 5 letter word but takes so much more courage to be put into action.

Some things just can't be said, no matter how much assurance was given. Because things change, people lie and promises break, nothing ever stays the same. Life is about changes and being ready for them. And at times, still able to stay sane & strong enough to carry on.

& it kills me inside to know I can only watch you fall down, breaking down and succumbing to these circumstances. No matter what, I'll always be there for you with you. It's a promise I can never break, because it's me.

But deep down I fear, fear that one day it will be my turn. My turn to fall. I'm so afraid that I would not be able to pick myself up after that. And I'm also afraid to know who will really be there for me, when everything falls apart

And it's scary to know how superficial one can get or how one lie to get what they want, or pretend to be who they want to be.

Aren't you ever tired?

Because I really am, I hate this kind of competitiveness, I really hate it. It feels like a never ending race, a never ending climb which only gets harder to push on and carry on.

You dont have to put others down just to win, do you? Does it really make you feel better? Will it still make you feel good if you know that each time you do what you do, someone dies a little more on the inside? Bit by bit, it dies and as it dies, whatever that person thought of you would also fade away along with it..

Was it ever worth it?

I don't want to lose myself, ever.

P.S

I think I finally found the person closest to who I've always been looking for. And I hope this won't change. Please don't break me because I wouldn't break you.

Bringing you love,

2011-01-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

Life has been good;)

Meeting up with 4H just brings back all the memories I never even knew I had. Only then did I realise how much fun sec school was, esp sec 3&4 and how much I missed them:X Really hope we have a chalet soon or even an overseas trip, AFTER ~~fucking~~ A LEVELS!!

I still love 09/10 too though:) They are just this bunch of people who can stand my nonsense all day long & still dont hate me for it, or they can really hide it well o.o Yay! And I love Mrs Choi who calls me Mrs G :)))

And yesterday was TJ OPEN HOUSE!:D Met Wenjie and talked for like quite some time and failed to realise it was his birthday until hanyang told me-.- Omg I felt super fail and horrible there and then!! Sorry Wenjie!!:( Hope you had a great day, YOU ARE FINALLY LEGAL!^^. Awesomeness!

So anyway, Open House was pretty cool! Had quite alot of fun, other than the fking pain blister on my leg which I tore away-.- Biggest mistake in the 17 years of my life!! Super pain, limping around like an idiot all the while:((

On another note, its only the third day since school reopen and I feel like I've been studying for days, weeks, months or even years without a breather, at all. Can seriously just die anytime now, of exhaustion and suffocation or even nightmare being haunted down by teachers with parang in their hand for not doing all the homework.

this is shit.. seriously, this have to stop & change.

MCT, Watch me shine, this time round.

Aim for MCT, tentatively, it is gonna be dam hard but I'm aiming for a straight D!:) Yep! Acty as long as no U or S I'll be super happy alr!

MUGGER LOO!!!

aka Mrs G:)))

okay, I should stop being delusional, nights everyone.

Off to lala land!

Screw homework and school, period.

p.s forgot to add, the first picture, look at darren face. One word - EPIC

2011-01-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I really wonder too.

What do I really want to do with my life?

What do I want to get out of this?

What do I want?

And why am I not working hard enough for it?

It's time for a self-reflection & start working hard for what I want. Because no one ever said life was a bed of roses

2011

2011-01-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

It's a new year so a new post!!:)

No pictures this time because, well actually there isn't any reason. Okay so 2010 ended, but it still hasn't really sunk in yet for me=x It sucks to know that A levels is this year!:(

Okay so 2010 have been a really eventful year for me & I guess I have also really learnt alot! And I also travelled alot this year=o Sat the airplane 6 times, zomg!! Airplane food:DD Got really exposed this year to many stuffs too, especially because of OBI trip! Reallyreally awesome, I think something inside me changed o.O hahahahas

Shall make a list of new year resolutions but this year will be different!!:) Because I have never kept to any of my resolutions set so this year, I WILL!!! :D

A gist of my resolutions is just to become a better person!:) And more hardworking and get my head in the game & books:)

So, hopefully my 2011 will be awesome! Cause we are finally 18!! Legal age^^. but then again, really old:( oh wells, its a give & take kinda thing I guess but still, a year to look forward to! ohmygawd, the end of A's will be like havoc & madness:)))) Shucks, i'm thinking too far now:/ step by step, day by day!! JIAYOU!!

2011 will really be a brand new slate for me, it really feels like a new beginning altogether. Like as though I am a new Shermaine when the year began. I dont know why, people tell me 'We're 18 now' and its like everything feels so different now. So hopefully I will achieve my resolutions & be a new and better me!:D Yupyup!!

Okay, nothing much more to say except SCHOOL IS STARTING AND I HAVE YET TO TOUCH ANY HOMEWORK! Gonna convert to a nerd soon, call me MUGGER LOO:)

Cause baby you're a firework

2010-12-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Damn, I'm super hooked on English songs nowsadayssss :)

Grenade & Fireworks are freaaaaaaaking gooooood!!!

Andand yesterday during Seekers meetup@chompchomp we went to some park after dinner to play swing!!

Happy Happy! No that's an understatement man, I was totally thrilled!!

Shall drag people along with me to Pasir Ris Park soon for a ride!:) Swings are the bomb man, totally!! Brings out the kid in everyone!

Plusplus, I'm leaving for Japan in a few days time! AIRPLANES! yay! And with friends too so its awesome ttm! Spam goodfood spam photos spam fun and spam gifts! Spending Christmas there too though, hmm, gonna miss everyone back here:(( But oh well, shall experience Japan's Christmas!

This post is such a happy post right!:) I think my blog has been emo for a long time ._.

Okay think I won't be posting anymore till I get back from Japan! Hope I won't freeze to death or smthing:X LOL! (shaik style) damnnn, I miss all the jokes from Seekers!

Okay shall share another meaningful quote by one of them yesterday!

If a girl is single, you are fighting with many guys.

If a girl is attached, you are fighting with only one guy.

So true right? And then someone added on

Yup you will be fighting with one guy for the girl, and the 3 kids they have! EPIC!

I don't think it sounds funny here:( Oh wells! Good things are not always meant to be shared;)

ADIOS!

P.S

Feel free to sms me if you want anything from Japan!:)

You're not worth this,

2010-12-14T05:18:00.000-08:00

Isn't this photo super pretty?:)))

Not sure whose raft this was but the whole photo was taken so beautifully! (faintss) It was taken during our rafting expedition along Ganges River and the view, water was epicly beautiful:)

I swear, the scenery & view in India is the most beautiful thing EVER. It's like the sky is so beautiful with pretty stars decorating all over and you can even spot the Orion Belt and determine where North is! And the best part is, you can't see the moon but only endless stars and shooting stars!! It is so beautiful no matter how tired you are, just looking at the stars make your day:) How I miss that so much, Singapore's sky can never fight this at all, I miss the beautiful sky in India:(

I need the stars to tell me it's okay. I need them to make my day and I need shooting stars:(

Saving photos from facebook and just looking at them gets me all nostalgic, seriously. Especially after reading Jinni's post on the photos, ohmygawd, it gets me sooooo emotional! I'm missing India and everything I have there, seriously!

I miss soooo many things there! I'm going to rant them all here right nao! I need to jot down things so that I will never forget them!

I miss Morning Circle, I miss Chai/morning tea, I miss people shouting outside the tents '530 get up!!', I miss rushing for time squeezing sleeping bags, folding foam mats & striking down tents, I miss packing my bag and trying to fit everything in, I miss whining about the heavy bag and yet still sucking it up. I miss the beautiful surroundings and view there, I miss the weird horns and crazy traffic, the bumpy roads that make it so hard to even drink water. I miss the steep hills and crazy cliffs that we have to conquer, the heights and the fears, the narrow paths and thorn bushes pricking scratching us, the little water breaks and dumping of heavy bagpacks onto the ground whenever there are breaks. I miss the near breaking points and feeling so helpless yet because we're all a team, still pushing on to reach the next camp before sunset. I miss the early sunset at 5pm and beautiful sand and clear river water and wonderful hot yet cooling morning weather but madly freezing night weather. I miss star gazing, praying for shooting stars & getting mad excited when one flew by. I miss the food there, even though I got sick of it after the third day, getting excited when there is papadum and having eggs at EVERY meal there. I miss the rafting activities, praying to jump into the river to have a bath, practicing capsizing and getting trapped under the boat nearly losing my life, gasping for air in the cold water, feeling ever helpless and heaving at one side getting myself calm. I miss fighting my fears of drowning and braving the currents, getting overwhelmed by rapids yet coming out triumph, holding onto the lifeline in case the boat capsizes and playing in my head how to escape from under the boat. I miss the joy, relief after conquering 'THE WALL' and the singings we had, both during trekking & rafting. I miss the cheers and army songs we sang to keep us going, I miss missing the expedition after everything is over. I miss the self-cook dinner we had and had our own pepper lunch rice, cooking fries and enjoying the warmth in the kitchen tent. I miss pushing the team on and receiving encouragements from them. I miss the Himalayas, the sunsets, the sunrise, the views, the scenery, the culture, I mis India.

I miss the people there too. I miss the instructors, miss Suri, Sony, KheeMeng, Ahmed and most importantly, Buduwah-ji, our 'god'! And of course, SEEKERS!!!

I miss the jokes we had, the fun, the laughter, the experience, the 'LOL!' (shaik style), the drunk Emu and retarded stuffs we did!

I miss everything and anything over there. Surprisingly, even though it was so hard, we all kept moving on. The Himalayas made every other problem seem small and since we have even conquered it. It was all about facing your fears and braving through them, I am glad that I survived!:)

And now, looking at the pictures, everything comes flooding back. It felt so surreal, like a dream and I am really super super afraid and scared that I will forget what happened in India. Forget the memories, the friends, the bonds, the experience... All that I had there is something that can not be replaced, ever..

Having dinner with the TJ Seekers tomorrow and really looking forward to it:) I wonder what whacky stuff we will come up with tmr but I definitely missed the local food here, and the warm weather:)

This have got to be one of the longest post ever, and I really really really love OBI!!:D Everything there, because everyone was so unique yet we made a team so well. Because the challenges seem tough yet we overcome it all. Because the terrain and weather seem harsh, yet we braved it all.

And now, back in Singapore, feeling hollow and empty when I wake in the morning. Feeling weird because there is no packing of sleeping bags, no sharing and warm chai :( Knowing that each day is just another day because I have no goals for that day..

I knew I'm a nostalgic person and tends to get really emotional when it comes to goodbye, maybe it's just me that OBI meant so much but it is how I really truly feel. We need to have another expedition soon! Make it a food expedition this time round! ;D

Does all guys tell so many lies? Why do they keep hiding things that are plainly obvious. You should have known better that I knew everything from the start, I was only wondering when you would own up. I've enough of all this.

I will do it because I know I'm so much stronger. Stronger than even I myself know;)

The truth hurts, but lies are worst.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,

2010-12-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

WHOOTS! I'm back people:)

OBI/HOB was inspiring, enriching & definitely life-changing:)

Met really awesome people, forged bonds that I would never forget and memories too.Faced fears I never dreamed I would conquer and challenged my mental strength because giving up is never an option.

You don't reach when you stop, you stop only when you reached.

Some inspiring quotes from people I met there, man I'm missing all of them already even though we just parted ways this morning. It felt like th past 12 days were nothing but a dream that blew past quickly, regretted not writing a journal but was really so tired:( Should write down all th experience I had there, not what's left are just memories.

Promise me, we will all stay in contact, SEEKERS!!! You are missed by me!:) Some stuffs can never be replaced, some stuffs can never be changed either. This is one of them. Something I will keep & remember for the rest of my life.

The Outward Bound journey didn't ended, it had only just begun. And from now on, it's an individual road to walk but deep down, you know you are not alone:)

SEEKERS!

We will meet again, and become much stronger & amazing individuals, love you guys loads:)))

* * * * * * * * * *

It seems like some things just never change. Always falling for the wrong person and attracting th wrong crowd. Will this cycle ever end?

I've had enough of this already, enough of all the pretense and acting like I don't know anything even though I already do.

Promising lies, I'd rather leave out hurtful promises and just hear the truth in every word.

No hopes, no disappointments

2010-11-30T05:58:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be the start of a whole new month, and also my expedition to India.

Feeling nervy & excited ttm! Can finally eat my long awaited airplane food & the best part: sit an airplane!! Ohmygawwwd, I really can't believe it, I am finally sitting it! After such a long time!:D I really don't know why but I somehow really love sitting in an airplane, or maybe I only like it because I haven't sat one for a long time...

But whatever the case, the answer will be revealed tmr!:)

Finally packed my luggage and it totally exploded O.O Okay i exaggerated but it's really huge & there's alot alot alot of stuffs x(( I'm really so worried that I wil forget to bring something, even though I checked it 3 times alr:)

* * * * * *

& its like hoping for something good and being promised that 'yes, it will happen' but then you realise that its not going to happen and the promise will be broken. Even if it is not a promise, but when trust is broken, it really can't be mended.

What's more it isn't the first time already.

Call me over-sensitive or insensitive, I don't really care. But I really hate it when you place people at a very important place but they don't treat you the same way... It hurts, and it disappoints, and I am so very sick of it now.

So to save myself from all this, I've had enough and am not going to repeat my mistakes. If I'm not important to you, then fine, neither are you to me.

I don't do things/behave without reasons, it's always because of how you treat me first.

Remember that.

* * * * * * *

Bye everyone!!!

(back on 12th!)

Is there really no need for worries?

2010-11-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's a whole new beginning now:)

Leaving for Outward Bound in a few days time!!

Fear?

I would be lying if I said I have none, you have no idea how confused I feel right now. . .

So much that I wonder if I really made the right decision

Water rafting, trekking, hiking, cliff jumping, bridge abseiling, am I really up to this?

To be stronger physically & mentally, I WILL SURVIVE!!

Because we're a team, a team of 6 outward bound to an expedition of lives in India. And, no matter what happens along the way, we're always together, always. We shall forge friendships & memories with the other 22 people and conquer OBI, conquer ourselves!!

Till then, everyone stay safe especially if you're flying off.

p.s

Flying off on wed at noon!:) *hintshints*