new beginnings

Its the 6th of January alr and its a bit late to start reflection and my new year resolutions but... bah! I'll just do them anyway:)

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So 2011 have been on the surface a good and awesome year for me. But actually I think I was a mental wreck. Throughout the whole year, I couldn't figure out my place in the different areas of my life from cca to studies to friends. Never good enough? And have never been convinced that these areas are of that much importance to me to prioritise them and put in my 100%. I was a joke in lessons and never took them seriously. I skipped CCA whenever I could and gave a million reasons that even I myself knew wasn't convincing. If I was the Capt or V.Capt, I would have shove someone's floorball stick up my own ass for giving such a loserish excuse. So you could say that I deserve not getting into the team. And that is why no tears were shed when I didn't either. *grins* Till now, the only regret I have for my cca was that I never believed myself enough to be good enough thus being weak. No, not physically weak but mentally weak.

In fact, throughout the whole of 2011, I practically had no more mental strength.

Studies was worse. I couldn't give a shit about it. Even when my grades were okay, I dropped my 4H2s. I refuse to do homework that wouldn't be checked, skipped lectures and can't stay awake during tutorials. I know I was being slack and lazy and all the sloth-y attitudes and words you can think of but I honestly felt no guilt at all. Life was really school then home to do whatever shit that I felt like but study. I don't remember what it is like to do homeworks. Homework is schoolwork or really just copy work. My close friends told me that I was crazy and I needed to do my work but I couldn't. Believe me, I did try to but I always gave up halfway. I don't know why.

Of course I knew that the problem lies with me but I don't know what was it that caused the change. Its not like I experienced some earth-shattering experience that would waver and change my whole life. And nobody believed me when I said I don't study for exams but everyone knew they could count on me to have a partner in crime for being lazy students. I know right, I was horrible. If I were my CT, I would have slapped myself or something and cursed, must have done some horrible crime to deserve such a horrible student.

The best part was I absolutely felt no guilt at all. Until now. what the freak. I'm like 101% sure that my A level results would drive me crazy and suicidal but somehow, I really am not worried or regretful about how I spent my 2011. I think I need to see a psychologist or something._.

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2012, a new year with new beginnings.

It would be useless to cry over spilt milk and pointless because I wouldn't either. I honestly deserved it. So I guess what's left to do is pick myself up and find who I really am.

2011 taught me alot of stuffs from the mess I was. True friends and people in general, it showed me how cruel and beautiful the world could be. And it showed me who I needed to become, in a way.

I need to find a new me, not the one who was the silly girl who often gets bullied in pri school, nor the partial rebellious kid in sec school or the mugger who fought hard for good results in study break for O levels. Neither was it the 2010 me who did everything that I never thought I would or the crazy mess in 2011. I'm sure among the me all these 18 years of my life, some have stayed and some have changed due to the people and environment around me.

And I strongly believe that 'Everything happens for a reason', much due to God's will. Perhaps that is why I'm not afraid too:)

I know I made mistakes in my life. Some small some big. I lost important friends, should have held them closer and trust me, I do miss what we shared and never lived a day without thinking of being close again but I never found the courage to. Now that I think about it, I'm still young and have a long way ahead. I've nothing to lose, isn't it?

So from this day on, I shall live to be someone that I will be proud of and someone that I feel comfortable in. Being me. And I'll try to place the right back in many places in my life. I know things would be different but knowing that I tried and did my best would be enough:)

This is a really long post.. So now for my New Year Resolutions. There's gonna be quite alot I think. Need to sit and think upon this one. Since now I've been given nearly 7 months of break, I should really make full use of it!!

but the general idea of my resolution is:

Become someone that make people be proud of knowing, no matter who they are!

I feel much better now!^^v

Time to be more responsible for my own life and find my own way and place in this world!

To anyone, if there still is, who reads this space, have a good year ahead! I hope it will be a good one for you!:)

P.S

I shall also blog more so as to keep track of my life! unless I find a better place, heh.